From AntiSue to SuperSue
by cb.spica
Summary: Once upon a time, Neko Unmei became a magical girl. Her wish: To become a Mary Sue. Pure crack. No pairings. Horror for Mary Sueism.


There is no real reason I wrote this fic. In fact, I wrote it on a whim. I dunno if I'm gonna continue it or not (I have a few other stories to manage as well...), but I figured it wouldn't hurt to publish it. Canon characters will appear next chapter, if I choose to continue.

Thanks to KiGaMi for helping me with this~ My parody is based off of hers =3

Puella Magi Madoka Magica (c) its creators

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><p><strong>Prologue~ Rebirth<strong>

Once upon a time in the land of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, there was a girl named Neko Unmei. She was a very plain girl. Neko's eyesight was bad, so she wore glasses. Her mother told her long hair was impractical, so Neko's hair was short. A few freckles dotted her face; her daily attire was T-shirts.

There were many kids at school who made fun of poor little Neko. She was "Four Eyes" (her glasses were black with super thick frames), "The Little Nerd Who Couldn't" (as hard as she tried in school, she was still stupid and her athletic prowess was abysmal), and "Lil' Miss Wanna-Be" (she wanted to be cool… she just wasn't).

A full list of her (both creative and uncreative) nicknames includes, "Four Eyes", "The Little Nerd Who Couldn't", "Lil' Miss Wanna-Be", "Scaredy Cat", "Fated Loser", "Hag", "Deep Fat Fried Brain", "Dolt", "Dingbat", and "The Retarded Stegosaurus".

Neko Unmei laughed at them. One day, she would rule the world, and they'd all grovel at her feet. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But naturally, Neko Unmei was also a very timid girl, which didn't help the endless number of insults that were thrown at her on a daily basis. While the boys were laughing at her, she'd just sit there helplessly. She figured there was nothing really that she could do, so she should just put up with it.

There was one boy in her class, Kamijo Kyosuke, who never bullied her though. Neko couldn't help but fall for him. But every time she tried to speak to him, she opened her mouth and closed it again without saying anything.

How could she possibly work up the courage to speak to him?

Especially since she couldn't do chores, her highest grade on a test was a D, her singing voice shattered windows, and she fell down the stairs twice per day!

And then there was the fact that she was a hard core otaku. If you looked into her room, you would find it was plastered with Sailor Moon, Yu Yu Hakusho, Tokyo Mew Mew, Bleach, Shugo Chara, Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, One Piece, Vampire Knight, Pokémon, Naruto, Cardcaptor Sakura, Gakuen Alice, and Naruto posters (yes, she did have that many). There were also Full Moon wo Sagashite, Ranma ½, Fruits Basket, Zombie Powder, Gintama, MAR, and Galaxy Angel figurines. And you couldn't leave out her Rave Master, Black Cat, +Anima, Hunter x Hunter, Lucky Star, Elemental Gelade, and Ouran High School Host Club plushies. On what space left of her wall (there wasn't much), she had lined with row after row of mangas.

Ah yes, Neko's room was her haven.

And in that haven, Neko kept a computer. She was a big time fanfiction writer… who knew how many fandoms she wrote for. No one liked her stories though because they said that her grammar was terrible, her spelling errors were horrific, and her characters were sickeningly Mary Sue.

But hey, what was wrong with being a Mary Sue?

It seemed pretty awesome to her. If she could be a Mary Sue, just imagine how different her life would be.

And that was when a very odd-looking fox with who-knows what popping out of its ears appeared.

"I can grant you any wish you want," the bug said (she remembered that in Rave Master there was another odd-looking creature that a girl named Ellie called a "bug", so Neko decided that the creature must be a bug). "In exchange, you will become a magical girl and fight witches for me. Would you like to accept the contract?"

And because Neko never read the "Terms and Conditions" section of contracts, she agreed immediately. "I want to be…" she began, "a Super Sue!"

Now, if Kyubey knew what that meant, he may never have agreed to such a wish….

But he must not have known what a Super Sue was because he did agree to it.

And thus, shortly after having her soul ripped out of her body, Neko had everything from a new name to a new look to a new brain.

Her new name was Angel Heart Pure (even though the world of Puella Magi Madoka Magica appears to be in a futuristic Japan, her name was now English); she now had D-cup boobs, an ass everyone wanted to grab (the narrator marvels at how awfully awkward it must be that she has the ability to turn everyone into perverts), color-changing eyes, long, gorgeous, scarlet red hair, long eye lashes, and alluring lips. The current color of her color-changing eyes was a striking amethyst, but in a few minutes, it would probably be a dazzling silver or a radiant bronze.

This description, however, is unworthy of Angel Heart Pure. Not even words such as "indescribable," "unfathomable," "other worldly," and "ineffable" give proper credit to her magnificence. She is far beyond the description of any word whatsoever.

And no, don't ask how her eyes could possibly be silver.

But clearly, the narrator still has not spent enough time describing her gorgeous face. Her skin was a pale ivory, such a clear snow white that Snow White herself would have been envious. Her scarlet red hair was more crimson than the Little Mermaid's and her feet more beautiful than Cinderella's! Angel Heart Pure's beauty was unmatched. The unicellular organisms felt their hearts pounding, despite their lack of.

The narrator's heart almost stopped of horror.

She was appalled at her previous thoughts of world domination. How could she ever think such dreadful things? Instead of spending time trying to dominate the world, she should be spending more time trying to help those sorry souls who were so pitiful that they had to release their frustration by insulting her! How very sorry she felt for them. It was sinful that she had harbored such wretched feelings towards them previously.

The narrator is a bit scared by her reasoning.

She knew Japanese, American English, British English, French, Korean, Latin, Greek, German, Vietnamese, Italian, Spanish, Mandarin, Hindi, Hebrew, Latvian, Egyptian, Welsh, Webdings, and Wingdings.

When did the last two become languages, you ask?

Well, Angel Heart Pure knew the pronunciations of all those characters and in her highly intelligent mind they had their own grammatical structure, so they were now languages.

Now, if Angel Heart Pure had opened any of her mangas, a very interesting phenomena would have occurred. See, the just sight of a being as holy as Angel Heart Pure was enough to bring fossils back to life, even though fossils didn't have eyes. Keeping that in mind, imagine what would happen if she opened her mangas.

…

The characters would come to life.

And because Angel Heart Pure was so beautiful, they'd all fall in love with her at first sight and forget whatever girlfriends or crushes they may have had! Her power would be unmatched. She would have Monkey D. Luffy, Roronoa Zoro, Sanji, Portgas D. Ace, Kurosaki Ichigo, Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, Orochimaru, Aizen Sousuke, Coud Van Giret, Train Heartnet, Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru, Naraku, Killua Zaoldyeck, Kurapica Kuruta, Kuroro Lucifer, Hisoka, Natsu Dragneel, Himura Kenshin, Sagara Sanosuke, Shinomori Aoshi, Seta Soujiro, Saotome Ranma, Tsukiyomi Ikuto, Zero Kiryu, Kaname Kuran, Kanata Nanami, Yoh Tomoe, Suzuya Tohzuki, Kira Takuto, Lio Izumi, Tykki Mikk, Tamahome, Gilbert Nightray, Xerxes Break, Kamijo Kyousuke, Syaoran Li, Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin, Suoh Tamaki, Ootori Kyouya, Haninozuka Mitsukuni, Morinozuka Takashi, Fuji Shusuke, Echizen Ryoma, Tezuka Kunimitsu, Sohma Yuki, Sohma Kyo, Hyuuga Natsume, Nogi Ruka, Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Asakura Yoh, Asakura Hao, Haru Glory, Akatsuki Chika, Tachibana Shito, Fay D. Flourite, Sagara Sousuke, Chrno, Ayumu Narumi, Eyes Rutherford, Asazuki Kousuke, Kanone Hilbert, Mizushiro Hizumi, Kudo Shinichi, Hattori Heiji, Kaito Kid, Tuxedo Mask, and even Pikachu in her hands, just waiting to do her bidding!

The narrator weeps for all the soon-to-be broken hearted fangirls of the world and broken-hearted girlfriends of the anime/manga worlds… And she will have to cry an ocean when Angel Heart Pure discovers the Twilight and Harry Potter series. She will even have Edward Cullen and Lord Voldemort waiting her hand on foot!

Heck, she could even change people's sexual preference. Guys who could have sworn they were gay will find themselves drawn to her, and girls who had previously been drooling all over their boyfriends would have eyes only for Angel Heart Pure. Angel Heart Pure's beauty surpassed even the lines of sexual preference.

But the narrator would surely laugh at her when Miroku asked her to bear his children or Happosai tried to steal her panties.

She also was ½ heavenly spirit, 26.7% dog demon, ¾ wolf demon, 6/205 priestess, 723/2025 cat demon, 8/7 vampire, 3.14159265 % veela, 2/6 elf, 9/10 fallen angel, 8/2 angel, 2/3 fire spirit, ¼ water spirit, 9/10 earth spirit, 4/5 mermaid, 8123/23592352 ghost, 239% succubus, and 100% zombie.

No, don't ask what those fractions add up to. The narrator was so utterly baffled by her unearthly splendor that she was unable to find a calculator. But even if she had been able to find a calculator, the calculator would have displayed the following error:

Err: Domain

Why, you ask?

Because Angel Heart Pure was so unearthly that she was out of the calculator's domain. Someone such as her defies the laws of both mathematics and science.

What? That makes no sense?

The narrator is sorry that she is unable to fathom the ineffable impossibilities of the Mary Sue.

You must remember that Mary Sues defy all sense of reason. Now let's continue…

Oh wait. The narrator forgot.

Angel Heart Pure was also 8931251% kyubey, so she now had the ability to grant any wish as well.

But even though she was now 8931251% kyubey, she wasn't emotionless. Instead, Angel Heart Pure now realized that the fate of the universe was on her shoulders. As a magical girl, she felt obligated to save every person in the world from those terrible, grotesque, evil witches (who she somehow knew about even though Kyubey was just staring at her openmouthed (Yes, the narrator did just say Kyubey was openmouthed)), and she would do anything – anything at all – to do just that. She would even die for it.

But what if she, herself, became a witch?

Angel Heart Pure shuddered. If that happened, would Kamijo Kyosuke's voice be able to bring her back to her ½ heavenly spirit, 26.7% dog demon, ¾ wolf demon, 6/205 priestess, 723/2025 cat demon, 8/7 vampire, 3.14159265 % veela, 2/6 elf, 9/10 fallen angel, 8/2 angel, 2/3 fire spirit, ¼ water spirit, 9/10 earth spirit, 4/5 mermaid, 8123/23592352 ghost, 239% succubus, 100% zombie, and 8931251% kyubey form? Or would she need his kiss? Would it be possible for her to prevent herself from killing her wonderful Kyosuke?

Angel Heart Pure wanted to wail and cry at this idea (the narrator thought that Angel Heart Pure must be having mood swings). No, no… she would die before killing Kyosuke! Hurting her friends would be simply unforgivable. No matter what, she would never do it.

Walking over to her window (her long hair swishing in the nonexistent breeze), every little unicellular organism bowed down to her. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, so perfect! She was flawless, unblemished, and godly! The unicellular organisms bowed down to their new deity.

Man, she was sexy.

Simply irresistible.

…

The narrator gagged. She was horrified. Angel Heart Pure was sparkling in the sunlight. Apparently, she was going to take after Edward Cullen. Weren't there enough sparkly vampires already?

Well, at least the narrator had a scientific explanation for Edward Cullen's sparkliness. Since Edward Cullen was so cold, the reason he sparkled was surely because of condensation!

…But was Angel Heart Pure's skin also that cold?

The narrator could do naught but ponder the question at hand.

And in the meantime, Kyubey, the openmouthed who-knows-what-gender emotionless bug, had fallen head over heels in love with the bishoujo in front of him.

…

And she hadn't even transformed yet.

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><p>Yes, I did research bishounen guys to write this. Lol.<p>

Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it~ Should I continue it? O_o...


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